dedicated to sunset :*
********************************************
My thoughts revolve around one thing only. Him. And they go around in redundant circles, spinning my heart into an agonized frenzy. And i'm forcing myself to do anything to keep me preoccupied, just to keep my sanity.
I feel like running for my life, running away from all the harrowing torturous thoughts and into the arms of someone, anyone, who is willing to catch me before this falling through a bottomless crevice drives me insane. I stay in bed all day, chasing after sleep, because it hurts too much to be awake. When I'm dreaming I have him, and I can't bear to be wrenched from the safety of his embrace every time my eyelids flutter open. I don't know how long it will take before I stop caring... Time trickles by much too slow. I want to blink all the suffering away. I don't want to love or hate, I want to feel indifference. That is when all ties will truly be severed. That is when I really would have pushed him out of my heart, when it really is over, when he is really dead to me.
December 20th 2008
"Happy one year anniversary Dana"
"I dnt get why you count it from the day we met... I mean, we didn't actually get into a relationship till months later"
"It's cos I fell in love with you from the moment I saw you"
"Oh come on, that's SO cheesy"
I playfully hit him on the shoulder... But even though its really cheesy it still makes my heart melt. Darn my stupid sentimentality, I'm so emotional.
"No, really I swear. I mean it. I was half asleep I totally didn't believe you were real... You brought a whole new twist to the word dream girl. When I saw you in Kai was when I actually believed you existed and the morning was not just a weird dream of a cute girl I'd never met before"
"And that proves you loved me how?"
"I was smitten. A girl in an oversized t-shirt and bedroom uggs with long black hair and eyes you can drown in. A girl with an attitude and a blush that melts my heart. Do you know how rare that is?"
OMG.. How many times in a day is this guy gona make me blush? I mean come on. It's been a WHOLE YEAR, this is crazy. Worst part is: it seems like he's been noticing the blush, and here I am thinking ok at least I can blush 3la ra7tee.
"Fidait ili she's blushing ana" and he leans over and kisses me on the cheek.
"5aled!!!!" this time I push him away with all my strength. I have limits, he knows that. No physical contact.
"I know, I know.. No phyisical contact I'm sorry. 7abeebti I just had to, you just tempt me so much with those cheeks. One day I'm gona bite them."
Here we go... crimson red apples on a summer day. I'll i can do is smile behind my curtain of hair.
"7mar"
"Ooh she's feisty"
I hit him again.
"Danti you're starting to worry me with all this hitting. Should I be worried about your, ummmm, tastes?"
Omg lah waih he teases me in this way? Is he insinuating that I'm into S&M? He's going down.
"I'm leaving." Just as I get up he pulls me back down.
"Oh no you're not. We still have dessert."
Do you know hw hard it is to fight a guy who works out obsessively? Yeah, very hard.
***
That night he called my brother to announce "his intentions". Even though it was during the time he would dissapear for weeks on end. He still loved me I guess, especially since he told A7mad ina nawee ytzawjnee.
And then came the trip to london.
January 10th 2009
"Mai! He hasn't called me in 4 days"
"Babe 3adii, I dont aswer J's calls for weeks at a time but I still love him"
"3ad into ghair. You guys are so weird. Weirder even than Chuck and Blair"
"Hey! I love Chuck and Blair, 7adich"
"I love them too, that doesnt make them normal"
"Ugh fine... Bas J and i are"
"U and jassim have been in love with eachother for 5 years, are alredy engaged, have been dating for 2 years and yet you barely speak to eacthother. When you do the phonecall is 3 days long."
"Shda3wa Dana 3 days, max is 14 hours"
"How is that even possible Mai??"
"Madree... ur right we are weird. Ok but thats not the point, now we're talking about you and 5aled"
5aled calling
"Shhh it's him!"
I answer.
"Aloo?"
"Hala danti sha5barich?"
"B5air 7amdilla, wint?"
"7amdilla damich b5air... uhh... 7abeebty abee akalmich bmawthoo3, fathya?"
"Ya babe go ahead"
"I'm going to London tomorrow"
"Weren't you just in London a couple of days ago?"
"Ee bas I have an appointment there i cant miss"
"Appointment for what exactly?"
"Bs shighl"
"Aha... Laish magiltlee min gabil?"
"Walla 7abeebty it's been last minute"
"Ok... troo7 wtrid blsalama inshalla"
Seriously? Last minute trip to London. Yeah like thats believable. He just came from London 2 days ago, he's been there since December 21st.. he specifically ajilied his stuff to go after our anniversary. What's he hiding? And what shighl exactly? He took a holiday, and a9lan he's never had to go out of the country before, kila y6arish his brothers. This is so weird, and I'm pretty sure he would've at least known a few days in advance if it was for work.
"Aloooo, Danti?"
"Sorry sira7t"
"shfeech?"
"mafeeni shay"
"ok 7abeebty, adree inich mtthayga, i think i know you by now y3ne. Bs i'm so tired, so sam7eenee basakir, i love you o i'll check on you after lying down for a bit"
Yeah.. youre always tired. Ufff. What's up with you 5aled? When you know I'm mtthayga you stay on the phone for hours to cheer me up, and when its been more than a day since you talked to me you spend an hour begging me for forgiveness. What's going on? of course i didnt say all this.
"Ok honey. take care"
*dial tone*
"Mai he shut, he didnt even say bye back. I mean i said tc, shdnt he be like ya ok galbii you too?"
"What did he say?"
"He's going to London bkra. And now he's apparently tired"
"Whatever its probably nothing, dont stress it. And men arent mind readers you know, he probably doesnt know inti shayla fe 5a6rich 3laih"
"Its 5aled, he always knows"
That night he called my brother to announce "his intentions". Even though it was during the time he would dissapear for weeks on end. He still loved me I guess, especially since he told A7mad ina nawee ytzawjnee.
And then came the trip to london.
January 10th 2009
"Mai! He hasn't called me in 4 days"
"Babe 3adii, I dont aswer J's calls for weeks at a time but I still love him"
"3ad into ghair. You guys are so weird. Weirder even than Chuck and Blair"
"Hey! I love Chuck and Blair, 7adich"
"I love them too, that doesnt make them normal"
"Ugh fine... Bas J and i are"
"U and jassim have been in love with eachother for 5 years, are alredy engaged, have been dating for 2 years and yet you barely speak to eacthother. When you do the phonecall is 3 days long."
"Shda3wa Dana 3 days, max is 14 hours"
"How is that even possible Mai??"
"Madree... ur right we are weird. Ok but thats not the point, now we're talking about you and 5aled"
5aled calling
"Shhh it's him!"
I answer.
"Aloo?"
"Hala danti sha5barich?"
"B5air 7amdilla, wint?"
"7amdilla damich b5air... uhh... 7abeebty abee akalmich bmawthoo3, fathya?"
"Ya babe go ahead"
"I'm going to London tomorrow"
"Weren't you just in London a couple of days ago?"
"Ee bas I have an appointment there i cant miss"
"Appointment for what exactly?"
"Bs shighl"
"Aha... Laish magiltlee min gabil?"
"Walla 7abeebty it's been last minute"
"Ok... troo7 wtrid blsalama inshalla"
Seriously? Last minute trip to London. Yeah like thats believable. He just came from London 2 days ago, he's been there since December 21st.. he specifically ajilied his stuff to go after our anniversary. What's he hiding? And what shighl exactly? He took a holiday, and a9lan he's never had to go out of the country before, kila y6arish his brothers. This is so weird, and I'm pretty sure he would've at least known a few days in advance if it was for work.
"Aloooo, Danti?"
"Sorry sira7t"
"shfeech?"
"mafeeni shay"
"ok 7abeebty, adree inich mtthayga, i think i know you by now y3ne. Bs i'm so tired, so sam7eenee basakir, i love you o i'll check on you after lying down for a bit"
Yeah.. youre always tired. Ufff. What's up with you 5aled? When you know I'm mtthayga you stay on the phone for hours to cheer me up, and when its been more than a day since you talked to me you spend an hour begging me for forgiveness. What's going on? of course i didnt say all this.
"Ok honey. take care"
*dial tone*
"Mai he shut, he didnt even say bye back. I mean i said tc, shdnt he be like ya ok galbii you too?"
"What did he say?"
"He's going to London bkra. And now he's apparently tired"
"Whatever its probably nothing, dont stress it. And men arent mind readers you know, he probably doesnt know inti shayla fe 5a6rich 3laih"
"Its 5aled, he always knows"
***
And it all went downhill from there.
And it all went downhill from there.
